For a big portion of my life I have dealt with depression and anxiety at different times throughout it. Sometimes it’s longer and harder then other times. It all started in elementary school when some things happened and I remember having anxiety attacks. I have had anxiety attacks to the point where I have trouble breathing and get dizzy. Sometimes I would cry too. Towards the end of elementary school and beginning of junior high and more so I had friends who walked away from being friends with me. In junior high I had a couple friends who I considered to be best friends bullied me on msn messenger along with a shared friend they had but didn’t like me. I used to cling on to the friendships that were over and I didn’t understand why. Even today I still would want to be friends with a couple of them even after so many years of not being friends. I was depressed a lot in junior high and high school. I made some friends in high school but also lost them too. I had another couple of friends and one of their parents bully me on Facebook in high school. After so many years I learned to put distance between myself and others when I felt like they were going to do something and I was right to at that time. I also had a friend who meant to send a text to someone else but sent it to me instead which made me distance myself from them all together. I got told that I was trying to be like this other person even though I wasn’t and that I didn’t care much about that person. I’ve had family members talk badly about me to others, family members that I used to be close with. Which now things are completely different and will never go back to the way they were.
Having mental health problems along with the other things that happened in my life, it made me want to die. I didn’t feel good enough at all after the way friends had treated me, left, bullied me. I never would have thought members in my family would talk about me the way they did. I caused an anxiety in myself about some things so I wouldn’t do it and end up killing myself but I did self harm for a long time. I’ve been in relationships that weren’t the best and those left scars but the ones that hurt the deepest with from family and friends.
After some time it took a long while. But I distanced and decided not to be around those people any longer. I don’t cling to the friendships I lose any longer. I don’t try as hard as I used to hold on to all my friends and all the people in my life. If people don’t want to be in my life then I let them go. I’m not going to beg someone to stay in my life. I’d now rather have no friends then have friends who don’t want to be there. I have learned that I’m okay not having friends. I’m okay with not spending time with people. I actually like my time that I’m by myself a lot. I feel like I need alone time, being around people now a day just sucks the energy right out of me.
I still deal with my mental health but I don’t have to deal with the people that caused more issues for me. It took a lot of time to learn these things and I have a few friends, I wouldn’t say I’m close with anyone but I’m not too worried about that. With time, I could be but if not then that’s okay too. I have learned it’s okay to be selfish and to take care of myself first. Once I learned that it made some aspects easier. Sometimes I still distance myself from others sometimes I still wish to be close with people and wish I had people there for me when I need it but when i’m doing okay then I don’t really care if people are here or not.
About four to five years ago I start to read and it changed things for me too. It distracted me from when friends who left or as other things happened. Or just buying books helped too. If I was feeling down or upset I would buy some book and start to feel better. It brought me into the book community and I made some friends that I can talk to. Made a friend where we made a book club together.
If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here for you. Feel free to DM on twitter: @BeccaAnnReads or instagram: @coffeebooksandjournals my life is a little busy right now but I will try my hardest to get back to you as soon as possible. If you don’t want to talk to me here is some places where you can talk to someone else. 1-800-273-8255